Who are we really- the child, the parent or the adult?


I used to find it quite strange the amount of people that I meet who really have no sense of who they really are.  Now I just take it as part of the rich tapestry of life that many people never make it from child to adult before they become a parent and but unless it causes them issues I say just let them be whomever makes them happiest.

So what does this actually mean?    Like all things of a personal nature  in order to understand our  present, we usually have to look to our  past.  Some children are taught independence as well as interdepence and grow up to be a relatively balanced human being with a true sense of who they are and are comfy in their own skin and with the World.   Some people however grow up living their lives as their parent’s children.  Some parenting, as well as other factors, can make children want to do things to please or get back at  their parents – their whole underlying belief  (not a conscious one)  drives them forward.  Some spend their whole lives stuck in this system of operating and  can never can free themselves of this.  Of course our need for  the having and giving  of respect, affection, the natural urge to please etc etc.  or similarly our urge to irritate or behave irrationally around our parents  is not included here .  How we grow up into the adult is to go through the “phases”  and to “flex our muscles” (remember the terrible twos, thirteens etc)  but it is how we deal, and our caregivers deal, with this natural rebellion/idolisation that decides if we stay stuck in the child state before moving straight onto the parent state.  Even though we may be six feet tall or mother of 5 we can still revert to our childlike state where we act out old situations both good and bad.  Similarly if we are acting in our parent state we have no place for new ideas or learnings.

For some people they do not miss not knowing who they are, or what they want as sometimes that is a little scary but for some missing out on “finding themselves” and being comfy with the World does cause them to form inappropriate relationships both with people and substances and tends to leave a sense of not actually having arrived!    Whilst  we all resort to all states on occasions as a fully emotionally functioning human, being in your adult state most of the time brings a peace and a sense of purpose in everyday life.  However, that does not mean being in the adult state is living in a Polyanna type of World where everything is wonderful all the time.  Life is harsh, Life is unpredictable, Life is unfair, but being in the adult state means that we accept this, and do anything we can to cushion the ups and downs but then we just let it go.

So if you think you might still be stuck in either your child or parent state and would love to just be YOU then lets have a conversation.


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